Apple’s three key new products: two good, one garbage. Here’s what you need to know

ipad comparision. I'll take door number 5 with the pen for an extra $500 please

Let’s do this. Here are three key new products you need to know about from Apple’s event:

1) The new iPhone – Apple’s main revenue source.

Remember the iPhone delivered about 60% of Apple’s total revenues in the last quarter. It’s unstoppable at Apple.

Apple Revenues. Concentrated on iphone

The main feature of the new iPhone 6″s” series (the 6s and the 6s Plus) is the 3D touch. This is perfect for the commitment-phobe at heart. Why?

You can tap something lightly to get a preview, without actually opening the entire article. You can also tap apps lightly, and choose what you want to do, without actually launching the app.

This is also good for all you people who have 9,000 apps open at any given time and remain totally clueless about why your phone is burning a hole in your pocket. Target demo: The iPhone 6s and 6s plus is perfect for people who can’t commit to anything in life, not even opening an app or a full article. Please stay away from me.

Available for preorder on September 12th and ready to ship on September 25th, starting at $199. 

2) The iPad – Still lost in space, it will never change.

No matter how many times Apple tries to reinvent the iPad, it still bombs relative to the iPhone.

iPad torpido

The new (but still uglyish step-child) 12.9 inch iPad Pro is bigger than any of Apple’s prior iPads. Also, there’s now a new revolutionary pencil that comes with the iPad.

entirely revolutionary iPad pen that works just like a regular pen.

Apple boasts that there’s no lag with the revolutionary pencil. It draws lines. And all you have to do to add shading is tilt your hand. So basically it’s a pencil.

At what point does Apple just throw in the towel and say FINE …. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE DOING WITH THE IPAD. JUST BUY AN ETECH A SKETCH BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO BE IN THE END.

The new etch a sketch iPad Pro will be available in November for the bargain basement starting price of $799. Only a 60% price increase from a comparable iPad mini 2. 

ipad comparision. I'll take door number 5 with the pen for an extra $500 please

3) The Apple TV – So awesome, I don’t even know you anymore.

Get this: the new Apple TV has Siri support so you can ask Siri questions while interacting with your Apple TV. So you can say “show me a movie that has monkeys getting hit by The Financial Times paywall….” and she’d show you this:

It gets better. There will also be a built in app store in the new Apple TV for external developers to add their apps to. You literally never need to get off your couch with Siri by your side and the new app availability.

Want a new sportcoat that won’t look anything like this on you when you get it? Aaaaaand buy.

Buy through Apple TV. Wow. Never need to get off my couch

The grand finale cowabunga moment for the new Apple TV, to me, is its new remote. We are done with that round dial in the center, thank goodness. Either that center button was really small or I have fat thumbs (that’s what he said).

new apple tv remote thank god

 

The new “Siri concierge” Apple TV will be available next month and starts at $149. But consider this your warning: Siri can be sassy, according to one of our MSB Cheat Sheet members who asked her this:

Sassy Siri

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